Over the past couple months, I have had good moments and bad ones too. I have found the person i have longed for and now have a wholesome wonderful relationship. This I say for the mere fact that I have experienced everything I have ever wanted to. The sharing of mutual things and likes as well as dislikes and the normal dislikes that show when two people set out on a new journey together. All of the moments and experiences I have treasured. I relish at the fact that we have no heinous arguments and that we do things together as well as apart in our respective lives. That I share my love with a person who is in essence exactly for me.
But none the less with the good comes the bad and the bad got worse. I have had trouble before in my life. I have felt loneliness and loss. I have felt heartbreak and all kinds of disappointment and sadness. I said goodbye to my father, he emigrated to Israel. I said goodbye to one of my grandmothers’ who moved nearly 2 hours away from me to an area I do not frequent. These are all natural, natural feelings of sadness. Natural goodbyes, I think at least.
But the worst of all, has been my job. The company I work for is closing, it has been my life for 2 years. I have gone into work everyday enjoying the work I have done. Enjoying the pain of trouble and joy of success in software. But now my emotions have soured, I have reached the point of no return, literally. And why? This question I ask, but I know I may never get the answer. Business is a strange thing, a peculiar and wonderful adventure. But for the past 2 years, I had found a place of family, energy and hard work!
I did not want to look further enough to think that I would one day have to leave and find another job. In my naivety I never thought my job would end. Now, i find myself angry at the fact, I find myself swelling with tears and loving the company anyway as well as the people. You see an angel funded company works on the lines of an investor will give you money, if you make him twice or three times more. Until you sell your product to late and he pulls out. And this is where we find ourselves.
But myself, I am the last to be told to go. When my boss, the CEO of the company let everyone else go, he and his partners kept me. They held onto me and I was glad for it. Until the raw truth came out. The CEO was drawing way too much for anyone’s liking and justifying it and there is no more money coming in. The actual amount invested is souring when you hear it. Only in 3 years to squander so much money. And one huge part is one persons salary?
And where I came in is at the point this business has to close, I sit down with my boss and one of his partners. He proceeds to tell me how if I had not done the research on our competitors that maybe the business would have taken a different turn? And basically palms the blame onto me?! Blame! Uh what a lovely word, responsible party? The negligent one? Me? Well, well I find myself upset, yes, but more insulted for the man of the hour and the president of blame is he not me.
Then I sat for long whining about this, I have whined to everyone about it. But the worst you ask?
The realization that, that man will never know it is his fault. He will never thank you for the hard work and apologize. No! He will sit idly and blame everyone else except himself. Not to mention the fact that he paid nothing towards any of the benefits of his employees, he could not care. And so he leaves all of us in a sticky and ugly situation which is grim. And I write this after 2 nearly 3 months of crunching, spitting out and chewing this information over and over again. I find myself crying for not only myself but the others. For not only the business but its investors. For unsuspecting good people who worked their behinds off for this product. The people that taught me all I know, for their families and mine. No matter what happens to us, any of us in this world, all people want is admission of guilt, that they know whose fault it was and why what happened ultimately happened. You see this in every great tragedy around the world, WW1, WW2, Apartheid, Genocide in Africa, America and Europe.
I sit everyday going into an empty office, I sit alone, I work alone. I have begun packing up everything left in that office. As if I am picking up remnants of a happy family who have been torn apart by some unsanitary doing . And now? I move on, I move on quickly, with a dash a speed and hint of lightning. For 2 years I believed in my company but my company was run wrong. And run right into the ground it was built from. I can only think of this, i think of all the people i have met, worked with, laughed with. For the place I have loved for 2 years with good and bad, I leave this :
“From ashes to ashes, from dust to dust.
You’ll rise again, in this I’ll trust.
You’re in our hearts, ’till the end.
We will meet again, depart my friend.
You may be gone, but I know you’re near.
In my heart, I hold you dear.
My only hope, in peace you’ll rest.
I still miss you, I bet you guessed.
I’ll see you soon, it’s a must.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”
Littlemisswednesday
littlemisswednesday 