A draft, of a draft, of a draft, of a draft…

I can tell you that the world is full of waves that you ride, that lead you to a wondrous place. I can tell you this is how easy life is. I can tell you all the great things that come from living, I can tell you unicorns exist. But eventually you will realize I am lying. You will eventually realize that everything I have told you has been fake and that things are harder than what they seem. Choices are the most difficult. I can tell you which path to choose but then you wouldn’t learn anything. I can tell you everything that I have learnt.

You will tell me when you see me, that you expected to much and loved to much. You will tell me that you watched sadness and watched your heart break. You will tell me that it was hard to smile and life was not easy. That miracles are few and far. And nothing really makes sense in life, that everything I told you about never came true. And it wont. Nothing that I tell you will ever change your life. Nothing I do will ever change the outcomes that you encounter.

I can stand on a mountain and show you freedom. I can scream out loud and show you relief but this wont help you. Because ultimately you must follow your own path and learn your lessons. You must march and dance. You must cry and sing. You will experience things I cannot show you. Feelings I cannot describe. You will learn that all things are fair except when someone else chooses to screw it up. And I can warn you, tell you, advise you on what to do and how to do it. But when you are standing there in the mist of your fairy tale, you will decide if its real or if its fake. You will learn the difference between your heart and your head, and that following true north is hard.

This I can show you, I can guide you like a bird, I can help you feel your way through things, but I cannot. I cannot help you…
You must walk and learn to cut down and let in and live. I can tell you all of this but I wont. Because the world is a place where many strange things happen. Life becomes unreal and then turns into a fantasy. Then becomes a nightmare and calms down like the sea at night. It will engulf you, spin you around and you’ll land upside down but the only thing I can tell you is that you will be okay. You are blessed with a heart as pure as gold, as lovely as the prettiest girl in the world and that will save you. You are unlike anything I have ever seen. You are you. You are exactly the way you were intended to be. Just the way perfect should be. Nothing more nothing less. You have just enough on your shoulders, no more no less. And you will be okay…

              

“You can’t really know something until you’ve seen it transformed by change. You must see it in all the angles of light and shadow provided for by time. You must see it in wind and in rain, under a blanket of snow, in the gentle light of spring, in the hazy heat of late summer, in the crisp cool of an autumn day. You must witness it in twilight and at sunrise, in thunderstorms and under the light of the moon and stars. Only then do you get a glimpse of the spirit lurking underneath. Only then do you begin to understand it.”

Andy Goldsworthy

              

What’s done is done

It’s never good to end something, or anything for that matter. But when it happens, it brings relief and heartache at the same time. Although you may love the person, although you may undoubtedly want to have a future with that person, things never go the way you plan. And when times are tough love flies out the window. Some may say this isn’t true others say it is. It’s a bit of both. You can struggle with someone for a time but if they do not try just the same your love fades. And in my (recent) experience this hurts more than to lose someone. It hurts more to see that person not try, not stand up and even lift a finger.

Even when you look at that person and all the love swells in your heart and you smile, you still know in your mind, that he never tried. He wasn’t willing. And that let down is the worst feeling anyone can feel. Its ten times harder to accept the fate of a relationship when nothing was done to save it. All the photos, all the memories disappear when your heart sinks to the depths of sadness and that is all your left with. No maturity, no age, nothing is an excuse or case for one person not to try give their all in something two people believe so strongly in. Even when “your” song plays, it doesn’t resonate with you. You already know that it’s over.

I never thought that a normal good-hearted” person would be capable  of neglecting something he worked hard to build. Never in a million years did I set my self up to love to the fullest to be let down, to lose hope and faith in everything I placed so much care and joy into. And at the end of the day, I am surprised. I know that time heals all wounds. But what I don’t understand is where is the logic around “not doing anything” where is the logic in being “stupid” to the fact that something’s wrong.  I don’t know what else to call it but stupidity. How can someone be blind to the fact that there are problems and hurt feelings. I am of the female species, I can love to the fullest, I can grow more love as the relationship goes on, I give everything and strive only for the best. I can even bet my life upon it. Why? Because I know I can do it. But to have faith in someone who caused an explosion in my heart and then, only a year later, let it go and extinguished it and become a person I didn’t know? When I full “heartedly” believed solidly in him. I made the excuses, took the gambles, made the decisions and lived with the hurt. I sat making the plans. I sat budgeting for the both of us when he had no income. And still he said “don’t worry, we”ll be fine”.

I am not a person to give up. I push and try hard for the best. I never want to ever give up on something I believe in. It doesn’t help that the other party gives up, lets it snow ball down until it breaks into a million pieces and cannot be glued back together. And the only thing I can possibly do now is forget it. I can carry on living doing what ever it is I may want to do.

But the worst part is that, when you have lived together and shared a space together and then have to take everything back you put in causes the most fights, the most animosity. There is never an easy way to deal with someone when you have ended a relationship. It’s never easy to be civil to someone who has broken your heart, it is never easy to look at someone when you know what’s done is done. It’s never easy to move on. Crying can only help so much, getting depressed only makes it worse. But being able to pick the pieces up and carry on is hard but it makes you stronger. It shows you more about yourself than anything else in the world will…. Thats the positive aspect about break-ups. You learn more and more about yourself. You learn to look more closely..carefully.

Things people don’t tell you:

1. You can’t stay on the floor very long, you have to pick yourself up.

2. Love comes at a price sometimes.

3. When your heart breaks you think you are going to die! Then you realize you were better off.

4. Friends don’t last forever, loneliness does.

5. Your only who you are when you accept your past, present and what ever your future holds.

6. Sensitivity isn’t a form of weakness, it shows you have heart.

7. Trust is earned and should never be given away loosely.

8. The person you share your heart with isn’t that person if they disrespect you.

9. It’s the people who leave footprints on your heart who are worth being in your life.

10. Nothing takes pain away – ever –

11. Never rely on others, only yourself.

12. Your age doesn’t matter unless you’re trying to be a beauty queen.

13. Never waste your tears on people who don’t care about  them.

14. Courage is the greatest lesson in life!

15. Never give all of your secrets away, you have to keep people on their toes.

16. Things are never black & white,  never done and dusted they are seen in full color that’s what makes it harder.

And so i have been tagged….

The rules of the game are this:

1. Post the rules.
2. In the same post, answer the questions.
3. Create eleven new questions to ask eleven new participants.
4. Tag those people and share links to their blogs in your post.
5. Let them know you’ve tagged them.

So here are… dum dum dum – Nisha’s 11 questions with my answers:

1.       If you attended Hogwarts, which house would you belong to, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or Slytherin?
 Very hard choice…. I think Slytherin, i like supporting the bad guys. 

2.       I prefer Twitter to Facebook. Agree or Disagree?
  Totally agree! It’s a million times better 

3.        Romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant or staying in with pizza and a movie?
Pizza and a movie… 

4.       If you were forced to marry ONE of the following men, who would you choose and why:                                                                                               Ebenezer Scrooge, Severus Snape or Heathcliff?
uhm… Severus Snape, I always liked him as a character don’t know why… 

5.       Chocolate: white, milk or dark?
Milk… it’s the only way to go in my eyes 

6.       Favourite Horror movie?
This is a hard one, scariest one that freaked me out was Stephen Kings “IT” (i am not a clown person)

7.       If your personality were a colour, what colour would it be?
Blue 

8.       What famous mystery would you most like to know the answer to? (Eg. The identity of Jack The Ripper or whether OJ was guilty.)
Who the Zodiac Killer really was/is…

9.       If you were about to be executed(God forbid!) what would you choose as your last meal?
A burger and chips… 

10.   Favourite CSI show: Las Vegas Original, New York or Miami?
Las Vegas…definitely

11.   There are too many reality shows on TV. Agree or disagree?
  Yes! I think they coin it way too much with reality stuff, can’t handle it really….

Now its my turn…. Get ready…..
Here are my 11 Questions: Enjoy!!

1. What is your best memory?

2. If you could choose  to be any drink to be what would it be?

3. What would ideal holiday be?

4. Ugg Boots or Wedge Boots?

5. What is your favorite fairy tale?

6. Tights or Jeans?

7. Coffee or Chai Tea?

8. Sunset or Sunrise?

9. What is the one thing you have learnt from the most in your life?

10. Rock n Roll or Pop music?

11. What has blogging taught you?

 

A chance at a broken heart (Part 2)

I asked the shop keeper, the shelf packer. I even attempted to ask customers, which gave my insanity a boost! I was sweating. It was just over a month now!
This ghost of my heart….
Eventually it came to a point where I thought if it’s meant to be, he’ll come back and I’ll see him again. But by the time I had started my “sleuthing” I had a prospect at a relationship. A decent guy. A working man. There could not be anything more in a man a woman would want. Except me…
I wanted my mystery man. And in the belief and absolute hope that this mystery man would find his path back to me I gave a skip to this kind gentleman. Yes, like an idiot, giving their pension fund to the “ponzy” scheme I lept and took a risk.

I could be alone my whole life or I could be happy (with a white picket fence) So gradually as the people in the town thought I had no marbles I stayed positive. I thanked karma everyday! How could I not…

As quick as the summer has smiled, so winter drew its white duvet upon the town. It glittered in all the snow. My summer dresses become pants, my sandals become boots.

And as the beautiful visitors to my garden went on hiatus, my mystery man was as glass is, transparent but there. As I got up everyday to work, he entered my mind like a good morning and as I climbed into bed with the heater on he said “Goodnight” as I drifted to dream land. But I stayed positive.

Busy,is what I tried to keep myself. I tried to always stay focused on doing something and I tried occasionally to put him as far out my mind as possible. But through the cracks he crept back.

The winter was one the worst. Frost kissed all my lovely flowers. But it was a sight to see the ice melt and say “hello” to my garden again.

I wasn’t born with green fingers, as people say, or a green thumb for that matter but I tried. I gave it one hundred percent. Then after some time my visitors appeared from their holiday. All with new editions! And I made sure extra bread and seeds were put out! And of course no sight of this man…

I started to ask my neighbours and friends about this man I had seen with no leads. I needed a “Watson” on this case!

Then I thought maybe this was okay. A man I felt I knew but never saw. All the while loving him and never being able to be with him. Then I thought “NO!”

The local businesses I stopped at while on walks to and from the grocery store, checking…looking…wishing…

I had been alone for so long. I had fallen in love before, but it never lasted longer than the “honeymoon” stage. Was I destined to be alone my whole life, was I destined to live this way forever?

It’s a terrible burden to never be able to tell someone how you feel about them. And turning to people doesn’t help. They don’t understand it. As much as they give you advice they never truly understand.

“Where are you, when I know you have been here all along?” I kept thinking.

As I sat reading a book, about being all positive and giving good energy out (you now those books) on a swing, a swing I had sat on quite happily for years, in a park I had visited for years, its leaves like a photo album… I had never sat being and feeling as confused as I did… I couldn’t read one sentence without trying to figure this story out. Everyday it lingered this love…
It grew…

As I sat there I heard the grass go from a quiet whisper in the wind to a movement of dance. Then a hand touched my shoulder. I turned around dropping my book. A man stood in front of me….

What is “beautiful”

What is “beautiful”?
Many people don’t know the meaning of this word. And they use it in the wrong way too! A common assumption is that a person has to “be” beautiful, which means in plain English if you are good-looking you are a nice person who does nice things. But this is not the case. A person “can” be beautiful, but does not necessarily have to be. But a person does have to do things beautifully, in my eyes!

When I am doing or making anything, yes, i want it to look “beautiful” but does that mean it is?
Is it the way a person a looks that classifies what makes them good inside, some think so? Never forget that it is also a really great thing if a person who is classed as “beautiful” does “beautiful” things.

If I see something as “beautiful” will you? And if I don’t am I wrong? No….
When a person is beautiful I think it defines the way they do things. Not the way they appear to be.  When I make something does not matter what it is, I want the person who receives it to see beauty. Not to say that things and people are not flawed. The things that bring us down show beauty as well. They show the things we do not see everyday.

Beauty lies, in the way you appreciate something, in the way you show love, show kindness. That determines the beauty, but remember this is my opinion. When someone shows you their tears, it is the beauty of you, as a person to pick a tissue up and wipe the tears away. When you know that people are struggling it is in the way you help them that shows beauty.

It is not the appearance of a person nor is it their make up or hair. It is the way they help you. The way they make you laugh. Or they way the guide and help you in a way no one else can see. Beauty, was never a way of appearance it was never a way to look. I think it is a way of being. Not looking.